The Peace After Grief

I've had my share of deep rooted pain. This summer I experienced the death of 19, in the fall a terrible car accident, and yesterday the death of a family animal. Literal heartache from pain, grief that can hurt so bad you're numb, suffering that is unimaginable , and a word conquered yet feared, DEATH. I'm tired of it, and I'm fed up with the feelings it's accompanied by. I am angry that on the cross the Lord defeated such a horrific thing, yet I still suffer from grief. This will be the first time I write about the last year of my life, and I hope to put it to rest, and rise from these ashes.

June, 30th, 2013. A date that will forever hold its sting, and has forever changed my life. On this day I was on vacation with my sister Laney, 7 and my mother Jen in Colorado along with our wonderful cousins. My father, Ralph and sister Lauren, 14 were in the middle of the grand canyon on a river trip.  I remember the second it came.A text that changed our family forever. My best friend Shelby asked if I had heard about the 19 missing wild land firefighters. Confused, and selfishly wondering how everyone liked the dessert I had cooked, I blatantly told my mom. She was concerned, and immediately researched the fire, by this time the were found, perished. That was my dads team, he had traveled, served, and bonded with each member. My mom picked up the phone and called another department wife for clarity, over the crackling voice on the other side we heard the names of each member that had passed. The depth of the heartache was so real as we each fell to our knees. Then, the voice of a widow we had had dinner with a few days before. I remember her saying, "Jen, I'm crying in my bed surrounded by women who love me, I'm okay." I directly called my youth pastor, best friend, and mentor for wisdom. I had never experienced such sadness. We had to push it away, get tickets for the next flight home, and locate the other half of our family in the middle of the Grand Canyon. After hours and hours of tracking my sister and dad, the helicopter found them, dropped a note reading," Ralph and Lauren , please evacuate and meet us at the end of the trail. Terrified, while running 2 miles to the end of the trail, my heroic father assured my sister that something terrible had happened, and that he would always be there for her. The helicopter evacuated them, as the rode up, the pilot said, "Sir, I am sorry to inform you but 19 of your men have perished in a fire." They landed to men lined across the runway saluting my father as he walked to the car.I remember walking through the Phoenix Airport, literally feeling like the world had stopped. I now believe that the Lord released me from the situation for just a moment. As we just about ran to the car, it was as if I was watching us from heaven. I watched the thousands of people pass us by, without a thought.

We had returned, we were home, well our broken earthly home Prescott, Arizona born and raised. The next month of my life, is a blur. Funerals, Funerals, and more funerals. I swear, any moment that our family wasn't wearing black was a  moment of freedom. Family and friends everywhere, and there for practically every little thing. I will humbly admit I did not know every Firefighter, or had a deep personal relationship with any of them, but when you grow up in the fire department every one is family, and as far as I'm concerned I had 19 members of my family die on 1 day. I watched my father suffer through,19 different ends to relationships 19 different grieving process, the attempt to comfort 19 families,  the passing of 19 flags, and 19 different funerals. It came to a point where I no longer felt the sadness, because it was so terribly deep. I watched children, wife's, and friends grieve the deaf of 19 men not even near there time of death. I was beyond the emotion of anger, I was furious and outraged at my Lord for allowing such a tragedy pass through my life. I reluctantly attended the memorial service, and then was left home alone for 4 days as my parents traveled to funerals, and my sisters stayed with my aunt. During this time, I searched my heart looking for answers to the deep grief our family and town was feeling. I didn't only want direct answers, but I wanted to fix the problem.

Months passed, and the blur continued. My sister and I wanted to start our Christmas Wish Lists, we asked our mom if we could drive to Hobby Lobby. She simply answered "yes", and we went to leave. Lauren turned around saying, "Mom say goodbye, you don't know we could get in a car accident or something!" my mom said, "Lauren, you're right I'm sorry , goodbye. I love you!" I was a 16 year old driver with a red civic. I was  driving along as I always did, granny speed. I noticed a driver in front of me swerving in and out of lanes. As I approached Prescott valley, the driver pulled in front of me and slammed on his breaks, without time I slammed on mine. We hit so hard it was as if my heart leaped out of me. My first priority was my sister, she was okay. I didn't care if I was, my car was totaled, and on top of that the driver fled the scene.Fast forward a couple hours, I didn't have a car, my sister and I were suffering with harsh whiplash, and I now faced a new fear, that continues today.

 May 22nd 2014, our cat passed. Dear old Beans (our cat). I literally despised the thing, because it would attack you behind corners as if it was possessed with demons. Yet as I home schooled myself on weekdays, when our home was s empty, my good old buddy beans was right there to cuddle for 30 seconds or so, before he tried to rip off my face. How he died is not for the weak stomached readers, so skip this part if you must. I wish I could. He suffered. Tonight my sister Lauren graduated from 8th grade, and we had been out celebrating for 3 hours. My grandma dropped me off at youth group, my sweet brother in Christ Brandon had dropped me off at home, as we walked in the door my dad had to inform us my mother was at the emergency vet with Beans. When the family had got home from the festivities for the night, my mom opened the garage to pull her car in, as she did she watched that cat along with my two sisters, drop from the garage to the ground. He had been caught, and hanging for three hours in one of the sections of the garage door. he lied there as my mom rushed to the vet. The news soon came, completely paralyzed with a broken back, and on his last breath. They put him down.

I am so done, so done with anything that ends in death, or tragedy. I hate the thought of suffering. I hate the thought that 19 men burned to death,that my car accident has left me with so many terrible fears, and that our cat died such a horrible, painful, long death. I hate even the thought of the people suffering and facing persecution all around the world for there faith. I hate that thousands of girls are stuck in red light districts, and sold into the sex trade. I hate that there are 132 million orphans. I hate that we once were racist, and segregated. Most of all I hate the fact that the Lord could allow such heartache in the world.This has been the hardest thing I have ever wrote on a personal level, yet alone a published blog. What was the point of me writing this? Believe me, I struggled, bawled my eyes out, almost broke my laptop, and yelled at God every five minutes while he continually made it clear for me to write these events. I am transformed, I am closer, and I am stronger. As I look back on each event, and dissect the process in which I grieved and am grieving for each, I see a clear trend. A trend of hope, and revival. It has been, but a few hours sense Beans passed, and I am worshiping Jesus in such a way that I may as well just burst with joy filling my heart with my King Jesus.

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." -Isaiah 61:3

  From the fallen 19:

• I have witnessed the faith of my earthly father grow closer to my heavenly father
• I have seen our family struggle, and learn to reconnect. 
• I have made a life long friendship with my widowed sister Kristi. 
• I have  felt my heart break over and over again as the Lord continually purifies every ounce of my soul

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal"-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

  Through my car accident:

•  I have found forgiveness, in the depths of my heart. 
•  I have obtained a fear of driving/car rides in general that forces me to put trust in Jesus, and Jesus alone. 
• I have developed a deeper appreciation, and love for my family and loved ones

 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

 
The death of our cat Beans:

•  I have found how to process grief. 

The secret is to let yourself. Just grieve, if you want to make it through, then take every emotion that comes with it. Tonight I found myself throwing things across the room and yelling at God, to five minutes later worshiping him with such an intensity that i felt as though I was no longer an earthly object, but an eternal spirit that belongs in the palm of Jesus. He was waiting for me, all along, all he wanted me to do was grieve. I fought tears, anger, and really any emotion I could, and simply tried to forget the pain I was feeling for the last year. When all our gracious Lord wanted was for me to cry in till I literally believed I might pass out, jam my face into the depths of my pillow, and release every ounce of pride left, and just rest in his arms.

I do this for you Lord, and you alone.