Cracked and Restoring

1 day 8  hours and 24 minutes, from this very moment I will board a plane at sky harbor to begin a 35 plus hour travel to Zambia. If I'm completely honest, I'm scared, weak, and very worn. This last week was rough and the spiritual ware fare was and is beyond what I would have expected. If it could be strained, it was strained. My relationships, my emotions, and my physical self has been hurting. Not only was it the 1 year anniversary of June 30th, but on top of that I learned more about ministry and the aches and pains that come with it than ever. Ministry is not glamorous. In fact it's rough and tough and more often then not you fall down and scrape your knee. The benefit of every ministry is, there will ALWAYS be someone there to pick you up. That someone isn't your youth paster, best friend, boyfriend, or even your mommy it's the one person that doesn't have to say a word, yet says it all. The Bibles been my chocolate this week ( as it seems to be every week) it cheers me up, makes me smile, and gives me hope that this life is worth living. I think that this adventure , that will lead me 9,569.97 miles away from my comfort zone , will break my selfish heart, and test me to live dangerously. I want to have a fearless Spirit that rejoices in times of doubt and shame. I want one of a meek and joyful heart. My first wish for this trip is that God will break my heart, and that together we can restore my life into a stronger servant hood. I'm seeing that Spiritual ware fare is a form of distraction in reality. Honestly I've had no time I think about boarding a plane to Africa. The enemy is ever so present at this time, which should make me joyful because that means something kingdom worth is about to happen. The nerves are definitely setting in and fear has clouded my heart a bit. My focus was derailed  and my thoughts tend to wander and it think I'm in need of an adventure and Today was it. My brother and boyfriend Brandon took me to Pine for Lunch and an adventure at Tonto bridge. Now I'm all for the great outdoors, but this was some major rock climbing, above cliffs, above deep pools of water, above insecurity. As we made our way over these treacherous caverns I couldn't help but focus on the beauty of this wonder. The bridge was in crested with stunning rocks and water in a deep turquoise  shade. As fear crept in at 50 or so feet up, I took a deep breath grabbed Brandon's hand and allowed him to lead me down the ledge, I really saw Jesus in this. Just as I trusted Brandon to safely lead me down the steep, slippery hill, I trust Jesus to lead me through the rocky dangerous world. I grab his hand and cling to his words " I will never leave you, or forsake you my beautiful daughter!" " Thank you father, I trust you, I trust you!" I answered. I'm realizing that trust can be more then a change of the heart, maybe trust is an emotion.. It seems to me that when I truly place my trust in Christ, I feel unburdened and free, but when I give a small price of my heart to trust I feel anxious and imprisoned to my worry. It's been a crazy day, it's been a crazy week, but he never left me, he stood by my side.